Shazam! Man

The other day I was having a flashback to the time I met this annoying wanna be gangster dude who would say “Shazam!” after just about every sentence. It was really awkward just how often he’d say it, like 20 times within the span of a 3 minute convo. He said it in a very obnoxious way too, emphasizing the two syllables with a slight pause… “shuh-zam!” He maintained an unintentionally stupid look on his face (even sporting an unironic, “teenage mustache”) the entire time. Very little of what came out of his mouth was worthy of a “Shazam” in my opinion. I’d like to think that young shazam man has since done the right thing for society and undergone a vasectomy, but I sincerely doubt it. He’s prolly a father of four now.

The moral of the story:

You’ve gotta save your shazams for when they really count. It’s like using a Call Bead in Secret of Evermore. Don’t waste that shit on a wimpy flower or a bone buzzard. Save it for a boss battle.

Apparently there’s a dumb movie coming out in 2019 called “Shazam!” which is going to be yet another lame comic book flick. I’m not going to see it, because it doesn’t interest me at all. If I find myself in a situation where I’m forced to overhear people talking about the movie, or if I see an ad for it while watching old Clarissa Explains It All and Sweet Valley High intro vids on youtube….it pains me to know that I’m going to be reminded of that shazam spewing subhuman every time. Shuh-zam!

Cyber Monday – Then and Now

What a typical “Cyber Monday” used to be:

Going on AOL chat to flirt with some girl whom you have no idea what she looks like and basing her attractiveness entirely on the cuteness of her screen name and/or a single, low resolution webcam pic (which may or may not actually be of her.)

[Yes, if you think the risk of catfishing is high now, just imagine that there was a time in the 1990’s when almost nobody on the internet had photos of themselves, and all you had to go by was the person’s written description of their own appearance (“People tell me I look like Sandra Bullock…”) and the equivalent of name, rank and serial number in the form of an a/s/l.]

Phase II is when you exchange phone numbers and begin to talk on the phone for a while after one of you works up the nerve to call. This can result in brief awkward conversations which end abruptly. Alternately, this period can last for several weeks, sometimes even months or years and feature lengthy, deep, personal, romantic and occasionally sexually explicit discussions about life, love, and the cosmos.

The third phase is the high stakes moment of truth when you agree to meet up in a high profile public place, such as a Walmart parking lot, a Denny’s or the patio of a Baskin Robbins/Dunkin’ Donuts dual function establishment. As you eagerly but tepidly pull up to the location, if you suspect you notice the person and they have a blob-like appearance or are otherwise much less attractive than you expected, you pretend not to recognize or know them and immediately drive away…never to speak to them again. If on the other hand, the person is at least okay looking and semi-bangable, you approach nervously, suddenly wondering whether your physical appearance is going to live up to their expectations or appear disappointingly goblinesque to them (“hey I thought this guy said he had frosted tips and looked like an Abercrombie model.”)

If the stars are aligned and both of you aren’t physically disgusted by the sight of each other, then “Cyber Monday” can culminate in a hot and heavy make-out or dry humping session…once sufficient trust has been established to relocate the rendezvous to a more intimate place, like her/your parents’ bedroom since they’re conveniently out of town (assuming you’re both 100% consenting adults that just so happen to lead directionless lives and still at home.) In those days, every dad online had the potential to be Cyber Monday. Like a trip to Zombocom, a log in to a flooded Foxy Chat meant anything was possible. The net was the limit! …but that was 1997, and we didn’t yet realize how good we had it. Well, maybe some of us did, but the pre-9/11, flirtatious screen name play,¬†Geocities homepage and auto-playing midi age of web romance was fleeting nonetheless.

What Cyber Monday is now:

People buying consumer products online at heavily discounted prices for one day out of the year (though occasionally these sales are extended for multiple days.)

Brandon Adamson is the author of Skytrain to Nowhere

Desert Dolphins

I would like to befriend a dolphin. Admittedly, it’s kind of tough to do in the desert though. With its tumbleweeds and strip malls, this isn’t exactly the ideal habitat to cultivate such an aquatically barriered companionship, but at least there are no sharks to turn up any wild cards. Where could my hypothetical dolfriend live? The wave pool at Big Surf waterpark might provide an acceptable level of oceanic ambiance, but the chlorinated water would not at all be accommodating and would ultimately kill the vibe. I wonder how long a dolphin could survive in Tempe Town Lake. It may not be Marina Del Rey or the coast of Catalina, (or even salt water for that matter) but hey at least it’s wet (insert that’s what she said joke here.)

Would a dolphin be willing to trade the tropical treasures and wide open freedom of the briny deep for the opportunity to have a fair weather good buddy like me? How would I be ever able to live with the guilt of knowing that I was depriving my dolfriend of realizing his full mammalian potential, simply because I wanted to have someone around to play Sega Genesis and send sonar catcalls with? Selfish as I am, I don’t think I could go through with it. It’s time to come to terms with the realization that I will never find my desert dolphin.

Zap! Friday

Zap! Friday

By Brandon Adamson

The customer is always right?
Wrong.
The customer is usually a pest
Wouldn’t it be great if on Black Friday,
department stores were transformed into giant bug zappers?
The swarms of unsuspecting critters greeted with
jolts as they overwhelm the entrances…

complete with Batman tv show sound effects like
zip!
zap!
zowie!

No one is immune, though some are resistant
As I maneuver into Pacific Sunwear like an agile moth
drawn to the flickering light
I’ve got to snag that vertical striped
button down shirt.
We endure the sparks and the
static shocks which await
in exchange for the fabrics we crave.

Zack’s Friday

Zack’s Friday

By Brandon Adamson

Black Friday,
but a heroic manager defies his corporate handlers and
at the last possible moment
decides to keep the store closed.

Just stands there smugly,
arms crossed
and laughing diabolically at all the
stupid, beastlike customers waiting in futility
for doors which will never open